Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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