well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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