Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
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