I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
