you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
