I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
