i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
