god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
how drunk are you?
Several
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
