ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
