so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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