i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
