my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
