i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
