alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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