you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
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