best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
