I skipped work to stalk him.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
