Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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