I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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