I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
