I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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