I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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