I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
