So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
