i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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