Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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