I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
