make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
