I wanna passion pit in your ass
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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