Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
