she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
