Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
