My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
