I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
