Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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