Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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