I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
