so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
