Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
