he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
