yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
