cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
