just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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