if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
