Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
