We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
