This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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