I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
