well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
