it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
