im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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