you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
