A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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